Assertiveness: What Is It and 5 Tips To Find It
“To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.”
Assertiveness is a key component to effective leadership, teaching and parenting. In a 2007 article published by the American Psychological Association, “New research suggests that the best leaders employ just the right amount of assertiveness.” Yet many of us struggle to understand what assertiveness is and how to employ it in our daily lives.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness, like charisma, is hard to put your finger on. Daniel Ames, a professor at Columbia’s Business School, likens assertiveness to salt in a recipe. You know when there is too much and when there is not enough.
I looked at some conventional definitions of assertiveness. Merriam Webster defines assertiveness as “Disposed to or characterized by bold or confident statements and behaviors.”
Dorland’s Medical Dictionary describes assertiveness as:
"a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view."
Both Webster and Dorland include an element of confidence in their explanations. To me, assertiveness is standing in our confidence in a way that conveys a clear, strong message. We set needed boundaries to help our organization, school, or family function more effectively and to implement change.
And yet, why is being assertive uncomfortable?
My clients report that their inability to assert themselves is what is holding them back, often making them miserable and preventing them from making needed changes at work or having a harmonious home life. When asked why being assertive is so hard they often say, “I do not want to be mean or come across as bossy. I do not want my co-workers, students, children (fill in the blank) to dislike me.” In fact, they are afraid to stand tall in their own confidence in order to make a change or set a needed boundary. These clients often ask for strategies to help build their assertiveness muscle.
If it is so hard, why be assertive?
Like salt in a recipe, assertiveness is the key ingredient to actualizing our vision, dreams and goals. It enables us to clearly communicate to our co-workers, children, and students where we stand, where we are going, and why we are going there.
5 Strategies to help you:
Here are 5 strategies, like Dorland says, to help you communicate in an assertive manner without threatening the rights of others.
Get in touch with your why. What values are you honoring when you take a stand or make a request? Connecting with values provides clarity and resolve, empowering you to come from a place of confidence and kindness.
Hone your language. Take “I need” and “I’d like” out of the conversation. Instead, practice using concise, direct, clear language. Then connect that language to your why.
Perfect your body language. How you stand and where you place your arms conveys confidence and warmth. Create an image in your mind that will remind you to check your body language.
Connect to your best, strongest self. Who do you want to be in these moments? Are you Wonderwoman or a liquid maple tree? Print a picture of this “strongest self” image to look at before you know you will have to assert yourself.
Practice, practice, practice. Find a partner who can support you and give you feedback as you practice the art of assertiveness.
Click here for a free consultation to see if we are a good fit to build your assertiveness muscle.
